Oh look, a post.
I've covered something like this topic a while ago, before this blog existed, but now's as good a time as any, and the circumstances of now make it appropriate for me to phrase this as a letter.
Dear *******,
I know it "hurts your feelings" when I get annoyed at you touching me without my consent. It hurts my feelings when you touch me without my consent. It hurts my feelings when you yell at me for being annoyed when you touch me without my consent. It hurts my feelings when you touch me without my consent in a way that I've asked you not to do more times than I can count. It hurts my feelings when you yell at me for being annoyed when you touch me without my consent in a way that I've asked you not to do more times than I can count. It hurts my feelings when you promote rape.
Yes, I said "promote rape." Because once you establish that consent does not matter, the difference between kissing the back of someone's neck and putting your penis in their vagina is a difference only of degree, not of kind.
I'm not worried about myself, because I don't listen to you anymore. But my sister will probably have a boyfriend in a couple of years - what are you going to say to her if she comes home and tells you he raped her?
"So he put his penis in your vagina without your consent. Oh my god such a big deal."
"You'd better not break up with him over it."
"In life, people are going to have sex with you sometimes. Deal with it!"
That's, of course, if she tells you. I certainly wouldn't.
Are you disappointed that the only safety videos you could find when we were kids were ones that said that you are the only one who can let someone touch your body? Would you rather have shown us ones that said that our parents were the only ones who could let someone touch our body, and it was their consent that mattered?
Even if you accept that there are situations where you will have to be touched, isn't it better to start from a position of "No one can touch you without your consent" and carve out exceptions from there, instead of taking as your axiom "People will touch you. Get over it"?
I don't see why it's so difficult to understand. Having sex with a consenting person is, at worst, bad sex. Having sex with a non-consenting person is rape. Hitting a consenting person is sport, or BDSM, or Fight Club. Hitting a non-consenting person is assault. Touching a consenting person is affection or theatre or medical examination. Touching a non-consenting person...?
"It hurts my feelings" is an understatement. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I keep my mouth shut almost 100% of the time - when friends of friends hug me without asking, when my grandmother puts her hand on my thigh or pats my behind or when my aunt comes up behind me and squeezes the back of my neck - because I've decided it's not worth being yelled at every single time. You have no idea what it took just to tell my roommate's boyfriend off when he ran into the room and jumped on me before we'd even met. She may think I'm a bitch for it. But that one time is the anomaly among all the times I am touched against my will and decide I don't want to be punished on top of and for being violated.
You are supposed to be the people I can trust. You are supposed to be the people around whom I don't have to worry about my social credit.
I guess I should be glad that so far these confrontations have only taken place in private. Every time this happens is another object lesson: if you touch someone against her will, telling her to get over it and not hurt your feelings will let you get off scot-free. Is this the attitude you want to be cultivating? Do you want to be telling people how to sexually assault your daughters, and your daughters to shut up and take it?
Sincerely,
Rebecca
The Daily Agenda for Thursday, June 20
2 hours ago
Wow. I'm guessing I know who you're writing too, and I wanted to tell you, you're not the only one. My folks never told me to let someone touch me if I didn't want them to- except if it was *them* or someone they thought I should want to. I'm very picky about who touches me and when- my partner is hurt when I shrug her hand off sometimes, but knows me well enough not to put it back!
ReplyDeleteI think deep down, all parents still feel that their kids are their property; we really haven't come very far from Shakespeare's time.
Thank you for sharing this. I've always felt this way about tickling. A lot of people think when I said I don't like to be tickled that I'm being coy, but I actually get VERY angry. Then I'm "overreacting."
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thank you.
Just a passer-by. White man, imposing even though I habitually slouch, friendly even though people are pretty silly most of the time.
ReplyDeleteWELL SAID about 'no touch' as a base rule and then carving out exceptions from there.
(No doubt New Year's Eve was a festival of deception and unwanted touching.)
So long as we don't all end up trapped in lonely bubbles terrified of each other. After all, baby monkeys have been shown to die sooner from lack of cuddles than lack of food. Cuddles to which they can't legally consent.
This is a great blog post. People need to realize that being your friend, your boyfriend, even your family does not automatically grant them the right to touch you whenever they want. If I don't want to be kissed or hugged or tickled, then I don't want to be kissed or hugged or tickled, and that should be the end of the conversation. Thank you for writing this post.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, a million times yes. I wholeheartedly wish that more people believed that they do not have an automatic right to touch me, it is not my fault I may be "just so cute" or friendly...the reality is I will never be offended or feel violated by someone NOT touching me, but I often do feel violated by someone forcing their affection on me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see I'm not the only one who feels this way.